Toxic and Abusive Relationships Come in Many Different Forms

We can hear you thinking it: "But it wasn't that bad," or "They only did it once," or perhaps, "I should have seen it coming."

If you are reading this and feeling a knot in your stomach, that familiar, heavy tightness that comes when you start to look at the cracks in your relationship, we want you to take a deep breath. Right now. Fill your lungs and let it out slowly. We at Rooted Survivors Therapy know exactly what it’s like to be getting elbows deep in the messy reality of a relationship that doesn't feel right.

Maybe you’re currently walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring the room's temperature to see if an outburst is coming. Or maybe you’ve already left, but the mental fog is so thick you can barely keep your head above water. Before we dive into the specifics, we need you to hear this clearly: It is not your fault. This is normal. The confusion, the doubt, and the tendency to minimize your own pain are all parts of how your nervous system tries to protect you when things feel unsafe.

Toxic and abusive relationships don't always look like we imagine them to. Most of the examples that we see on TV or movies include physical violence and big explosive fights, when in fact patterns of abuse are usually much more subtle and nuanced. Even big explosive fights and physical violence look different in real life. Unfortunately, this makes it easy to justify and excuse abuse or even to get to the point where you wake up one day no longer recognizing the relationship that you are in.

The Slow Fade into Toxic Dynamics

Even abusive relationships start off sweet and exciting. They are built on understanding each other and being attracted to one another. This is the glue that makes it so difficult to step away from the other person when toxic behaviors rear their head. When we are single or in the beginning stages of a relationship it is easy to say "I would NEVER accept that! I would definitely leave!". Whether it's infidelity, disrespect, control or isolation.

It becomes harder and harder to see and step away from these behaviors once they are attached to the face of a person you love and understand. The good memories together cloud your view and what you thought was once a strong line in concrete all of a sudden becomes a moveable line in the sand.

I often sit with people who say, "They didn't mean to do it" or "They were drunk when it happened - they're not like that when they're sober" and especially "It comes from their trauma and how they were treated as a child". This is how difficult it is to hold the line when abuse is big, physical and overt. Now you can see why it is even more difficult to catch the abuse that is quiet, subtle and subversive. The best defense we have is knowing and being able to call out actions across the whole spectrum of abusive and toxic behaviors so that we can both hold ourselves accountable and protect ourselves from them as they arise.

Understanding the Root: Power and Control

So what actually makes a relationship toxic or abusive? How do I know the difference between imperfect, but healthy, people in conflict and when that crosses the line to abuse?

At the root of abusive behaviors is always the need for Power and Control. When you catch actions in your relationship that have either of you vying for power and control, it is inherently abusive. As it escalates, this power and control gives way to fear, emotional harm, violation of boundaries and repeated patterns of chaos and instability.

The Eight Faces of Abuse

There are multiple different forms of how Abusive behaviors show up in relationships. These are based on the Duluth Model of Power and Control:

• Intimidation: There are certain looks, gestures and actions which no one else would catch from across the room but you know what they mean and they show your partners' distaste and disapproval with you. Sometimes they throw things, destroy your property, or lash out in their anger. Eventually they may brandish weapons or keep them just in your line of sight as a reminder that not only are you so lucky to be so "protected by them" but also that they could easily escalate and turn on you if they wanted to.

• Emotional Abuse: Usually starts as badgering, sarcasm and jesting in the relationship and quickly turns into putdowns and humiliation. Making you feel bad about yourself, calling you names and making you feel guilty or "crazy". Sharing information with friends and family to pit them against you. This is the person at a party who captivates the crowd with "Can you believe my wife did (fill in the blank)? Isn't she so (careless, stupid, lazy etc).?" They rally others up to laugh in your face and put you down. Behind closed doors, the insults are more degrading, the message is even more cunning and the intention becomes to cut you down so that they can stand on top with their own power. This often leads to coping with PTSD symptoms long after the relationship ends.

• Isolation: Controlling what you do, who you see and who you talk to. It often starts out being veiled as genuine concern or protection and quickly turns to jealousy and rage. The abuser doesn't want you to have more information than them and especially doesn't want you giving information to others. They are quick to undermine your friendships and the people in your life with "they just don't understand" or "I'm a private person, don't share those things". They are paving the way for you to be stuck in secrecy and silence so that when you really need help and support, you have no one to turn to.

• Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: Making light of the ways in which they've hurt you and not taking your concerns or pain seriously. You bring up something that bothered you and are met with "this again?!". You are characterized as dramatic, overbearing or annoying. When in reality, the abuser is doing anything they can to get away from the accountability of the truth. They shift responsibility, pretend like things didn't happen, deny specific details or blame you for provoking the behavior.

• Using Children: I see this one come up most often when someone is gearing up to leave a relationship or has recently left the relationship. The abuser makes it abundantly clear that it will be nearly impossible to co-parent and they make every effort possible to change the narrative, pit your kids against you and use them as a way to continue to control your life, even from afar. They use the kids to pass messages, convince the kids that you deserved this or you wanted a divorce and you are the reason that "we can't have a family anymore". As it escalates, they threaten to take the kids away and use co-parenting communications and custody to continue to demean you, harass you and overpower you.

• Asserting Privilege: Treating you as if you are less than. Less educated, less powerful, less savvy, less valuable. Taking all of the decision making away from you and not giving you a vote in the relationship. Whether it is something small like where to eat and what activities to do on vacation or something big like where to live and how to plan for your future. Often times in the beginning of the relationship this is masked as "wow I have such a helpful partner, they take care of everything for me!" and it quickly becomes them stealing your voice and monopolizing your choice. Reclaiming your voice is one of the most vital steps in the healing process.

• Financial Abuse: Preventing you from getting or keeping a job, giving you a weekly "allowance" and not making shared decisions together on investments and future financial goals. Keeping you in secret from certain accounts, income streams or plans around budgeting. Putting an inordinate amount of debts underneath your name, as they protect their own credit history. This can be small or it can be intense. If you are not in agreement and partnership on your money goals and what is coming in to the family as income, there is a good chance that your partner is laying the foundation for control and power over you in more ways than one. It's time to get clear about if the two of you can communicate and build shared vision together. If you are isolated from or not invited in to this process this is cause for great concern as this is often the most subtle way a future abuser begins to plant the seeds of power and control.

• Coercion and Threats: Threatening to leave you, to commit suicide or hurt themselves if you set a boundary or leave and threatening to "expose you" or report you for your participation in their abuse (to police, to CWS, to your employer, to family). Making you drop charges or forcing you to be complicit in their illegal and unsavory acts. Pressuring you into anything you are uncomfortable or don't agree with and then hanging it over your head as leverage to either expose you to other or to get you to continue doing what they tell you to.

The Weight of the "Hidden" Struggle

You can see how difficult it is to catch abuse along the way. It builds slowly and subtly. At each initial turning point it is easy to excuse or explain it away. Often times, survivors of abuse take on greater responsibility for the abuse than the person who is inflicting the harm. "I shouldn't have made them mad", "I should show up differently so that they won't be pushed into their anger". The abuser is careful to build an environment of secrecy and silence which keeps the survivor cut off from resources and ways to hold their partner accountable.

This environment often leads to deep emotional scars, including a loss of self, an overall loss of trust, and the loss of the relationship as you once knew it. The hypervigilance you feel: that constant scanning for danger: is your body’s way of keeping you alive. It’s a physiological response that deserves curiosity and compassion, not shame.

Finding Your Way Back to Whole

Healing is messy. It is uncomfortable. It is certainly not linear. There will be days when you feel like you’ve taken ten steps forward, only to have a single memory or comment pull you back under the surface. But we want you to maintain your curiosity about your own resilience.

At Rooted Survivors Therapy, we specialize in helping people navigate this exact path. Whether it's through EMDR Therapy to help your brain reprocess those "stuck" memories, or DBT to help you with setting healthy boundaries and emotional regulation, we are here to walk alongside you.

Toxic and abusive relationships come in many forms : none of which are your fault. Recognizing the patterns is not you being dramatic or inconvenient; it’s the beginning of reclaiming your power, safety, and self-worth. Rebuilding trust starts with the relationship you have with yourself.

Healing is possible. Establishing new bonds and healthy relationships is possible. You do not have to walk this path alone. If you are concerned about some of the dynamics that you are recognizing in your relationship, reach out to us today for a secure and supported space where you can explore these patterns more deeply, build insight, and decide on your next steps.

Be gentle with yourself today. You’ve already taken a huge step just by reading this. We are ready when you are.