Reclaiming Your Voice

Many abuse survivors come into therapy with the heavy, quiet idea that their story doesn't really matter. We see you sitting there, maybe clutching a pillow or looking toward the door, wondering if your words are worth the air they take up.

Though it is often subtle, you were likely taught throughout the relationship that your voice, your opinions, and your perspective didn't matter. This wasn't an accident. This was, in fact, a tactic that the abuser used to keep you isolated and alone: an attempt to keep you in chains to the relationship.

At Rooted Survivors Therapy, we know that reclaiming your voice isn't just about "talking." It is about a radical reclamation of your autonomy. We can hear you thinking right now, "But what if I don't have anything important to say?" or "What if it’s too much for someone else to hear?" We want you to know: This is normal. It is not your fault.

Meeting You Where You Are

When survivors first come into a session with us, they often show up in one of two ways. Some are numb to their own story, having had to tell it over and over again just to get some semblance of intervention from cops, peer groups, or community resources. Others are completely silenced and invalidating of their own story, operating on the premise that "it wasn't that bad," "it doesn't really matter," or "who would believe me anyway?"

It can take time to both see the value in and feel comfortable sharing your story. Rest assured, the right pace is always your own pace, and there is no pressure to put all of the pieces together from the get-go. Hearing yourself say the story out loud and allowing yourself the time and space to truly process and connect to your story: either again or for the first time: is a very powerful process.

Here is why reclaiming your story is an often overlooked and very important part of healing.

1. It is an Act of Empowerment and Rebuilding

Think about it. The person who abused you spent a lot of time covering their tracks and making sure that your voice was silenced. They would 'mask up' in public to make sure that they looked like the small-town hero, ensuring that everyone around you had the impression that you were in a "Couple Goals" type of relationship.

You spent so much time making sure the image was upheld because you knew if the mask slipped or if other people caught on, you would have to pay for it. To tell the truth of your story, fully and completely, in a totally private and sacred space is a commitment you make to yourself. It is a vow to never cover for them again. It is an invitation to believe yourself and begin to make peace with the details of what you truly endured.

2. You Are Making an Active Choice to Break Patterns of Gaslighting

You are sick and tired of walking on eggshells and holding your breath. When you begin to tell your story out loud, we can help you see the details of that story in a different light. An important part of therapy: whether through CBT or Trauma-Informed Relational Therapy: is learning the subtle and subversive patterns of abuse so that you can catch them faster in the future.

We help you begin to recognize the more nuanced tactics, such as:

• Coercion and threats (to leave or to expose your "bad behavior")

• Humiliation veiled as sarcasm

• Non-verbal intimidation (looks and gestures that leave you frozen)

• Blame shifting and isolation

• Planting seeds of mistrust

So often, we underestimate the gravity of these behaviors until we begin to name them and truly take stock of their presence in the relationship and their impact on your nervous system.

3. You are Learning New Responses to Trauma

There are some fairly universal and frequent responses to trauma and crisis. You may find that you naturally freeze up, fight back, flee the scene, or fawn to keep the peace. Freeing yourself from the burden and guilt that you feel as though you "participated" in the abuse is vital to freeing up space for you to move forward.

We often find that survivors of abuse take on excessive shame and responsibility for both their abuser's behaviors and their own reaction to them. As you begin to recall and share parts of your story, you also begin to accurately assess the intensity of what you were navigating. This allows you to have understanding and compassion for your own reactions in those moments. You weren't "weak": your nervous system was doing exactly what it was designed to do to keep you alive. This is where tools like EMDR can be incredibly helpful in reprocessing those painful physical memories.

4. You Are Finding Your Power and Process Through the Pain

No one can tell you exactly how to heal. Healing is messy, uncomfortable, and not linear. However, the most important construct of therapy at Rooted Survivors is that we are always actively seeking ways to tailor our approach to you.

Sharing your story is the launchpad for us to support you in:

• Engaging in self-expression again after years of being silenced.

• Building assertiveness and learning to set healthy boundaries.

• Knowing your preferences (the simple things like what music you actually like).

• Recalibrating your beliefs about yourself and the world.

5. You Hear Yourself Identify Patterns and Build Insight

Sharing your story out loud isn't just about reclaiming your narrative; it's also about building the "curious observer" within yourself. This part of you can challenge and reflect on the story. These are often the "Aha!" moments we crave in therapy.

It is so exciting to look at something in a different light or begin to question it for the first time. When you have the space set aside to do this, you naturally show up differently. You allow yourself to question and reshape different themes within your story. You are more readily able to catch irrational beliefs, internalized guilt, and invalidation such that you are able to determine how you will address these and stand firm in your own identity.

6. You Start to Separate Their Voice from Your Voice

So often we think we are the ones who are hard on ourselves, yet when we take a deeper look, we recognize it is actually "them" still having power over us and our inner dialogue.

We’ve sat with so many people who started out by saying they would love to fix their "low self-esteem" or "lack of motivation." When we get elbows deep into the work, though, it quickly becomes clear that these "issues" were actually formed by the constant degrading and invalidation endured at the hands of an abuser. Being able to trace your thoughts and ideas back to their roots allows us to determine: "Is this truly my voice, or is this the remnants of them?"

When you catch these hangups, you can begin to rewrite the script. All of a sudden, doubt becomes determination, and you begin to stand rooted in ways that will forever change your future.

Reclaiming Your Narrative with Rooted Survivors

The next time you are tempted to think that going to therapy is "just talking," remember that there is deep purpose in this process. When you have a therapist who is intentional about making sure that the way in which you share your story is insight-driven, you can rest assured that even the sessions that feel chatty actually have a depth and focus to them.

After all, the one thing your abuser pined for was your compliance and your silence. Make a pact today to steal that satisfaction back from them, once and for all. Your story is the power that you hold, and when we get loud, abuse becomes silenced.

If you are navigating PTSD after emotional abuse and are ready to stop walking on eggshells, we are here to walk alongside you. We offer specialized virtual therapy throughout California and Oklahoma, providing a safe, relational space where your voice is the most important thing in the room.

Be gentle with yourself. Maintain your curiosity. We are ready when you are.