How to Rebuild Trust After Abuse: A Trauma-Informed Guide to Healing Yourself and Relationships

One of our favorite concepts to discuss here at Rooted Survivors is that trust in a relationship is essentially like a bank account. Each partner makes deposits (trustworthy actions) and withdrawals (untrustworthy ones) from time to time. The success of the relationship is dependent upon how many deposits are made versus the withdrawals.

If one person in the relationship is constantly making larger and larger withdrawals, the trust is continually broken and the bank account, the health of the relationship, will remain in the red. As we know with everyday finances, you cannot live like that for long. Breaking trust catches up to you and the funding runs out.

Trust doesn't usually break overnight. Every once in a while, we hear about an incident so intense and groundbreaking that it dramatically shifts the health of the relationship and the trust with one fell swoop. Oftentimes though, like anything in a relationship, it is a buildup over time with many small actions equating to many broken promises that a couple cannot recover from.

Understanding the Difference: Abusive Behaviors vs. Abusive People

Humans are not perfect. We can hear you thinking out loud right now: "Have I ever been the one making the withdrawal?" If you go back and read about our descriptions of the different forms of abusive behaviors and you are honest with yourself, you may find a few of those behaviors that you have exerted on someone else yourself.

We do not ever assume or expect that any relationship will be flawless. And yes, even well-meaning people do exert behaviors that are considered abusive from time to time. The difference between an abusive behavior and an abusive person lies both in the intensity and recurrence of the acts:

• Abusive Behaviors: These are infrequent, low intensity, and the person catches their behavior, shows up with accountability, and is usually deeply remorseful.

• Abusive Relationships: These are driven by someone choosing again and again to exert abusive behaviors because these actions give them an edge. They gain power and control over you, avoid accountability, and continue to act in these ways to hold the upper hand in the relationship.

This deeply fractures any hope of trust. When you have endured the pain of both the intensity and consistency of being treated in this way, it changes the way you think and believe. It shifts how you view the world, people around you, the abusive person, and it even shifts how you view yourself and your future.

How Abuse Erodes Your Internal "Bank Account"

Abuse erodes trust over time in a few specific, calculated ways that leave you feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells. This is normal given what you have experienced.

• Gaslighting and distorting reality: When someone makes you feel as though your memory or understanding of a situation is not accurate or cannot be trusted. They will attempt to soften or change details in an effort to skirt accountability and to dismantle you as a trustworthy source of information. We often hear from clients that arguments feel exhausting because you "went round and round in circles" until you were unsure of what you were even addressing.

• Broken promises and shifting ideals: Every abusive behavior is another crack in the bond. You might have said at the start, "I would NEVER accept disrespect," but as it happens, whether through infidelity or undermining your values, the line of your expectations moves a little further each time.

• Punishment of honesty and boundaries: An abusive person will often shield the relationship from outside eyes because those eyes bring accountability. If you attempt to hold a new boundary or honestly address a problem, you are punished, sometimes through the silent treatment, other times through explosive anger.

Radical Validation: It Is Not Your Fault

When these dynamics become the makeup of a relationship, you slowly begin to doubt your own instincts and quiet your intuition. You question your own memory or beliefs and concede to, "Maybe I had it wrong" or worse, "Maybe I am wrong."

It is not your fault. Your lack of trust is not a lack of character; trust was taken from you. You were robbed of the opportunity to build a healthy, reliable relationship when they began to undermine and diminish you. You are not naive to hold back in trusting other people (and yourself) now. You have simply adapted to survive.

This state of hypervigilance is your nervous system's way of trying to keep your head above water. The good news is that we can absolutely work toward restoring your trust, first in yourself, and then in other people.

Step One: Rebuilding Trust Within Yourself

Rebuilding trust within yourself requires consistency and practice. You first must lean into relearning how to listen to yourself: your mind, your body, and your intuition. These things got quiet because they were not conducive to your ability to navigate abusive moments.

• Practice Body Literacy: Start catching and observing your gut reactions, muscle tension, and moments of fatigue. Everything is trying to tell you something. Practicing just spending time and checking in with your physical and emotional experiences is a powerful first step in healing from trauma.

• Validate Your Past Decisions: You responded in the best ways that you could have, with the information and resources you had at the time. Offering yourself forgiveness is essential.

• Slow Down Decision-Making: Pivot toward slowing down your discernment. Begin by making low-stakes, "low-elbows-deep" choices with the right sounding boards around you.

• Honor Your Preferences: In every decision, pause to check in and honor your own needs and boundaries.

Step Two: Identifying Trust in Healthy Relationships

Next, we can move on to identifying trust in others. Healthy trust develops through consistency over longer periods of time. It isn't a lightning bolt; it's a slow-growing root system.

• Look for Accountability: When mistakes are made, how does the other person respond? Do they approach the issue with accountability and aim toward resolution and repair?

• Actions Over Words: They must walk the walk more than they talk the talk.

• Respect for "No": A trustworthy person respects your boundaries. They don't pout, coerce you, or create emotional pain to wear you down into agreement. They can hear your "no" and, even if they don't prefer it, they can hold their own boundaries and cope with their frustration while allowing you space. They are emotionally safe, regulated, and reliable.

Moving at Your Own Pace

It is vital to rebuild trust at your own pace. Healing is messy and not linear. Begin by allowing trust in relationships that are already safe and supportive: old friends, mentors, or therapists.

Even in these "safer" relationships, build trust slowly. While trust requires some vulnerability, it does not sacrifice your privacy. You determine how much and how often you are comfortable leaning in. You do not owe anyone your story or your innermost ideas. Choosing when, how, and who to share things with is an important part of building healthy trust. This is a topic we often get elbows deep into during sessions to help you parse out what feels safe.

Partnership on the Healing Journey

It’s totally acceptable to have moments where you feel stuck or doubt yourself. Again, this is a sign of healing, not regression. Wanting closeness and also fearing it is par for the course when navigating the aftermath of PTSD and emotional abuse.

Using therapy as a corrective experience where you can be heard and understood is a great place to practice boundaries and communication. This process isn’t about becoming fearless; it’s about giving yourself the time and flexibility to try out new approaches to life.

You are allowed to take your time. You deserve relationships that feel steady, respectful, and real. At Rooted Survivors Therapy, we specialize in helping survivors in California and Oklahoma navigate this exact path using tools like EMDR, DBT, and CBT.

We would love to walk alongside you as you rebuild. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and let's discuss how we can support you in becoming whole again.