How to Protect Your Digital Privacy from an Abusive Partner

Abuse can continue online even after separating from an emotionally abusive partner. Likewise, when you are still in the relationship, an abuser can use technology to track your every move, pit supportive people against you and annihilate your ability to seek support outside of and separation from the relationship itself.

Our digital footprint is a reflection of who we are and the connections that we make online can be deeply personal to us. It is not only invasive, but also defeating to have that hacked into or leveraged against us. You are not being paranoid when you find traces of your partner or ex breaking into your apps, phone, and online life. This is a common, subtle, and destructive tactic that abusers use to make you feel stuck, confused, and powerless. This is normal to feel overwhelmed by, and it is not your fault that your privacy is being violated.

We want to use this guide to bring awareness to the precedence of technology abuse, but also to offer you practical tools and next steps to increase your safety and response to this manipulation.

Understanding Digital Surveillance

Digital surveillance and online abuse can take on many different forms. They may monitor your text messages, emails or retrieve personal information such as pictures, itineraries, and notes from the cloud. A relationship can start by innocently sharing locations or calendar events and escalate into constant watching and logging your every move.

Shared accounts can be a wonderful resource in a healthy and trusting relationship, but they can quickly become tools for ammunition with an insecure and abusive partner. Being asked where you've been, why you spent extra time at a certain location, or insinuating that your data is evidence that you must've been up to something shady, are solid first indicators that sharing data is becoming problematic and maybe even abusive in a relationship.

Even more concerning is when a partner is gathering this data about you when you have not shared accounts or information with them. A partner who tries to guess your passwords, hacks into your accounts, or coerces you to give them access is deeply concerning and can quickly become dangerous. Remember, at the root of all abusive behaviors is the desire for Power and Control. Someone who demands power over your digital means and uses them to exert any level of control over you is being inherently abusive.

The Tactics of Harassment

We have heard many stories of ex-partners using "burner phone" apps to call incessantly and stalk someone who is attempting to leave the relationship. Repeated harassment through fake accounts or repeated messaging in any form is not okay. Threatening to leak your private photos or information is a fear tactic used to reign you back in to compliance and voicelessness.

The only way to stop abuse is to reach out to supportive resources and get loud. The more an abuser intimidates and isolates you with their threats, the more likely it is that their behavior will continue to escalate. It is vital to build a safety network with trusted friends during this time.

Subversive Abuse and Trusting Your Instincts

Abuse isn't always overt and obvious. Oftentimes they will make their plays much more subversively to catch you off guard or to communicate that you should always be on edge, tricking you into thinking that you cannot trust your own experience.

They may slip into conversation a detail that you are sure you did not outright share with them. This is a "flex" to show they can garner information even when you take steps to protect it. You might notice your devices acting strangely, like batteries being drained, or accounts being logged in or out when you remember leaving them a certain way.

The especially dangerous component of these subtle acts is that you begin to question and lose trust in yourself. If you bring it up to them, they may either have an intense and fear-provoking reaction, or they will push to make you feel "crazy" and out of touch. This gives them the upper hand and serves as a subtle reminder that you can never let your guard down. Trusting your instincts matters. If something feels off, it probably is.

Practical Steps to Reclaiming Your Digital Autonomy

All of this is not to create fear or panic within you. There are practical steps that you can take to increase your own privacy and autonomy over your devices and digital information. If you are continuing to see patterns of misuse or breaching into your information, it is valid and warranted to seek support.

Safety First: Assess Before You Change

Assess your level of safety before making any changes. Sometimes it is better to allow the person access to your information (or at least maintain the perception that they have this access) instead of cutting off access by closing accounts or changing passwords.

Abrupt changes can make an abusive person react harshly and even violently. If you are planning to leave or rescind their access, it is important to sit with a trusted support person who can help you skillfully safety plan. The most dangerous time for a survivor is anytime they reduce or end contact. We have to be discerning and diligent in how we pull away to reduce risk. Always move at the pace that feels safest for you.

Once you are ready and it is safe, here are the 5 steps we take:

1. Securing Your Phone

Check for and unlink any shared accounts, apps, or family accounts. Make sure your location is turned off and your privacy settings are as strict as possible. This doesn't have to be forever, but we want it to be as restrictive as possible right now.

If there are any unknown apps or permissions on your phone, it is imperative to remove these or restore to factory settings as soon as possible. Update your device software and ensure your lock screen has a new pin or password. Review all app permissions and disable microphone access, camera access, and location sharing for everything. Yes, this will be inconvenient, but we are aiming for safety here, not convenience.

2. Protecting Online Passwords

Changing your passwords changes their access. Try to change your passwords to everything possible using differing passwords that cannot be easily guessed. You can use a password vault to store this information, but we suggest accessing that from one, completely separate device that you are sure the abusive person does not have access to.

Enable two-factor authentication (2FA) and ensure these codes are not going to a shared email or phone. Create a completely new email account used only for support persons and planning. Access this email only from a remote location, like a public library.

3. Social Media Settings

Honestly, our best advice is to get off of social media completely, though we understand that is not always practical. When you choose to remain active, review your privacy settings to control who views your posts and friend lists. Avoid tagging people and places, and do not post pictures until you have safely left that location for at least 24 hours.

Consider blocking or muting people who may be feeding them information. You might even maintain a "main" account to throw the abuser off while using private, anonymous accounts to connect with your true support people. Learning how to set healthy boundaries with friends and family can help protect these digital spaces.

4. Location and Hidden Devices

Abusers use many devices to control others. Disable your car's GPS and check your bags for AirTags. We have seen cases where even "gifts" like AirPods were used for tracking. Disconnect smart home devices, shared wearables (watches, fitness tech), and any shared devices you previously synced. At least for a time, being "tech-dumb" is safety-smart!

5. Privacy During Legal and Custody Proceedings

Public information exists, especially during legal proceedings. Whenever possible, use PO boxes to register professional licenses and public records instead of your physical location.

Do not try to co-parent through text or email. Always use a designated app like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents and never take communication off the app. This prevents them from cornering you or using abuse tactics without a written record. Save any abusive messages you do receive in a password-protected file or a secure journal.

You Deserve Safety and Support

That was an exhaustive list, but we want you to have both awareness and validation! Wanting privacy does not make you secretive or difficult. You have a right to your privacy like any other human on this earth, and you are not "crazy" for protecting that.

You do not have to make any drastic decisions today; we just want you to be prepared and empowered to do so when you are ready. You are allowed to ask for help and deserve someone in your corner who can help you process the emotions and experiences you have been carrying.

Whether you are coping with PTSD or just starting to navigate your exit, we are here to walk alongside you. When you’re ready, schedule a free consultation and take the first step toward more support.